Types of Reviewers // Just Like Snowflakes, We Are All Unique

Donuts are really yummy.

Wait. This isn’t a food blog? Where I talk about potatoes and donuts and other foods?

Ohhhh sorry, I got this blog and my constant inner thoughts about food mixed up. Haha. That happens a lot.

Anyways, there are many book reviewers out in the world today, living great lives. And also, we can categorize them!*

I love categorizing things, like humans and also foods because ew why is that one so green and wrinkly-looking. But categorizing can be good, because everyone should always put themselves into a box and restrict their personality.**

*I completely stole this line and the donuts one from May. I ASKED HER FOR HELP AND WELL. LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. I TALKED ABOUT DONUTS.

**Wait… something’s not right here…

Firstly, what is a reviewer?

• person who analyzes books
• or maybe just keyboard smashes
• it’s all very flexible, you know?
• sometimes like to blurb books
• but usually that’s famous people (which I ASPIRE TO BE)
• they also have to read books
• which can be surprising
• and it is a very hard feat, of course!

Look at me, I’m extremely good at defining things. I CAN DEFINE MORE THINGS FOR YOU.

Um.. Deforestation is the act of deforesting. See? #Helpful.

THE BOOK RECOMMENDATION THROWER

This person basically throws all of the book recommendations at other people. (Hence the name.)

And… the other people… actually read the books that this reviewer recommends?

*long, shuddering gasps*

Obviously this is a huge shock because who DOESN’T say that they will look up a book and then NEVER look up a book. Hahahahahaa not me.

other personality traits

• usually reads a LOT of books
• usually has very popular opinions which others agree with
• other people TRUST their opinion and listen to what they say
• most of the time, they are picky with the books that they recommend
• they promote their favorite books to the sky and back

REVIEW PROCRASTINATOR

THIS reviewer procrastinates on their reviews basically all of the time.

Most likely can name several instances where they say “review to come soon!” and then it’s six months later and they have forgotten 97% of the book except for that one really smol character.

I ALWAYS REMEMBER THE SMOL CHARACTERS.

other personality traits

• when other people comment on their review a year later saying “why haven’t you reviewed this” they are prepared to give a five-paragraph essay on how they’ve been building it up in their head
• usually have TONS of mixed up feelings but when they try to articulate it, it just comes out as AJSKDLFIJSKDLKJSKL
• understandably, they can just decide to not write the review because keyboard smashes are very hard to decipher
• write reviews in their head and never on their actual freaking keyboard*

*Tbh who actually does write their reviews on their keyboard??

SCREAMER OF WORDS

The SCREAMER OF WORDS usually just has reviews that are EVERYWHERE. Sometimes they use gifs, but usually they just talk about how much either THEY are trash or the BOOK is trash.

It is very fun to read both sides.

other personality traits

• usually enjoys using metaphors like “Reading this book was dying a slow but sweet death”
• their reviews are all over the freaking place but very entertaining to read
• use lots of metaphors
• probably have 50 reviews on goodreads total but still have tons of friends

CONCISE AND ACTUALLY GOOD AT REVIEWING PERSON

Does this person even… exist? Who is actually good at writing reviews, though?

How do they not just keyboard smash and pretend they’re done with it??? I am confusion?

other personality traits

• generally has their life together
• are very very rare in the wild, like a breed of ancient unicorns
• seriously do they even exist what the heck
• most likely have their blogging schedule actually together and put together nice and readable posts
• HOW THOUGH

THE PICKY POTATO

This is that book reader who is so so picky about all of the books that they read. Half of their ratings for books are two-stars or three-stars. There are only a handful of books that are their favorites.

When they recommend a book, others actually read it because WHOA THIS PICKLE ACTUALLY LIKES A BOOK? OBVIOUSLY IT MUST BE A FAKE MIST OR SYNTHETIC MIRACLE BECAUSE THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

They’re also usually really good at roasting books. Their reviews are super fun to read!

other personality traits

• often hates Harry Potter
• when they actually like a book they will scream at people really loudly
• others sometimes avoid their reviews because this person WILL ruin their favorite book for them
• get disappointed by hyped books easily
• when they start a book people say “can’t wait to see you trash this”

THE ONE WHO ANALYZES EVERYTHING

This is the reviewer who actually sees all of the themes?? The metaphors?? Those random little details that were mentioned in the beginning of the story and that NO ONE ever catches???

• usually has very long reviews talking about EVERYTHING
• their points are very well done and people just… agree with them
• others read their review and say “wow i didn’t notice that good point”
• how do they catch everything omg
• seriously, i can’t even catch physical descriptions of the main character even if they look in the mirror and tell me

THE REVIEWER WHO SPOILS THE PLOT TWISTS

This reviewer spoils the plot twist of the book in the review and… doesn’t mark it.

Cue all of the shudders.

*mic to lips* Y’all, mark your spoilers in your reviewers please and thank you.

other personality traits

• these people sometimes have good reviews but OMG THoSE SPOILERS RUIN THE WHOLE THING
• how do they not understand the concept of marking their spoilers though???
• either a) don’t understand that others read their reviews and cant get spoilers OR b) don’t care about spoiling others*

*This is very r00d and PLEASE MARK YOUR SPOILERS.

EMOTIONAL REVIEWER

They talk a lot about their feelings and how they felt when reading these specific books. This reviewer has really heartfelt reviews that make EVERYONE want to read this book because AWWWWWW.*

other personality traits

• most likely had a very fun and literate childhood
• are emotional people
• convince others to read books through sheer EMOTION
• what are emotions again

*Not me, obviously. I’m #stonecold

THE ONE LINE REVIEWER

This specific person usually reviews books with ONE LINE or ONE PARAGRAPH that’s very short.

other personality traits

• usually are funny
• a lot of the times, they get a lot of likes even though their review is ONE SENTENCE??
• a lot of famous people who review books are these tbh
• sometimes are book blurbers!*

*I really really want my name to be in a book that I like. I WOULD LOVE TO BLURB A BOOK TBH PLEASE.

Which ones of these are YOU? What are other types of reviewers? Do you procrastinate on writing your reviews or do you actually *gasp* write them on time? Do you write clear and concise reviews?